Pickled Watermelon Rinds

Pickled watermelon rinds are a bitch. They are  precisely the kind of bitch that orders sulfite free wine when you go out to eat and then insists on ordering veal because she is an animal rights activist and she wants to only eat the old sheep. But she's got a great rack and she's nice to show around so you go on a date with her only when you've forgotten why you couldn't stand her in the first place.

 I mean, it's not that they are particularly hard to make.  It's just that they are tedious as all mother fucking hell.

But it's a Southern delicacy, so whatayagonnado?

To start to make these things you need a watermelon. A big fat one is better than some little topiary round anemic thing  engineered to have no seeds. A big fat old fashioned watermelon is going to have the most rind on it and that is what you are after. The rind. Think of it like an Oakland butt.

First things first, scoop out all that red stuff in the middle. You don't need to scrape the edges bare. A little red looks nice when left on the rind. You can set the fruit aside for whatever other awesome thing you want to do with it. Jello-shots? Watermelon margaritas? fruit pops? I don't know. You can figure that out.

Now starts the bitch of the process. You have to cut all that green off the rind in order to render it fit for eating. This takes a really really long time and it helps if you have a friend to help you because if you don't it's going to suck for you.

I'll wait until you are done. Don't worry. I'm just going to start working on this painting over here.

Okay! I've finished my portrait of Mike in the traditional Dutch Masters style! Are you done yet? No? A little more time?

I'm back from my getting my hair cut and colored and I love my new pedicure!  You are done, yes? Hooray! Let's celebrate by going to the next step. You are going to take all that shit and soak it in water overnight! Yay!

The next day you are going to make a brine for these things. You will need to procure a giant pot and put in as much water as it looks like will cover what you have there. You'll then add in a lot of sugar. Would you say a cup and a half? I didn't measure. I  just put in the whole rest of the sugar bag I had since I've had it around for a bit. but then it wasn't sweet enough so I had to put in some sugar cubes I had lying around.  You will need to throw in a small handful of cloves and around three cinnamon sticks. Also some salt. I put in a little vanilla extract, some brine water left over from brining my jackfruit last night and a handful of  dried cherries, just because they looked festive. Of yeah, and a little tamarind paste because I bought it and I think it sounds really cool. You don't have to do any of this, though. You do want your water sweet/salty and tasting like Christmas without the brandy ( I know, I know) and as much salt as your Gramma Mildred's mouth.

All of this should simmer a bit. I'm letting mine simmer while I cut and gut the jalapenos. Traditional recipes do not call for chili peppers in the mix, but what the hell. I ask you, is anything truly not improved through the addition of chili peppers?

Remember! Always wear gloves when putting your fingers in new or unusual orifices! It's just good sense.

I'm going with a half now / half later approach. Half the sliced jalapenos go in with the pickling water and half are saved in vinegar in the fridge for tomorrow. And, yes! You are going to need to do another overnight process!

With jalapenos added and then water all cooled, Take your rinds, clear off the water and then dump them in this new mixture to soak overnight. You'll go to sleep excited to know that you have more day of work waiting for you tomorrow.

This next day, you are sure to have a bad hangover from drinking so much while trying to get these damn watermelon rinds finished, but like a champion you get back on that horse girl! You fix yourself a bloody mary and you keep on running because stamina is what it is all about, Sugar!

And speaking of sugar, I sure hope that you kept some on hand since we need that for round three.
You are going to take those rinds and dump out all that lovely brine mix down the bathtub drain since the rest of your kitchen is absolutely destroyed from your other cooking endeavors and you can't possibly fit that collander in the sink anymore. Just repeat after me, dishes are for husbands and husbands will clean all those dishes on their day off tomorrow.

So, you will need to rinse all the brine on those watermelon bits off using your detachable shower head. No. I 'm not making a euphemism when I say "watermelon" and "brine." Haven't you been following along on this recipe already? Now pay attention!  You fill the pot with just enough water to cover those bits. Then you put the whole thing on the stove again and bring it to a boil. This is going to boil for ten minutes before you .... guess what! Ha! No, bitch, you are not done. Put down that victory flag! You are going to pour all that out water again and rinse those little fuckers off one more time.

Okay, breathe. You are really near the finish line again. Did you refresh your Bloody Mary? Good.
Put the rinds all back in the pot. Slice into pretty little wheels two large oranges and four lemons. Some recipes call for more cinnamon and cloves. I say, ditch that. I mean, unless you really WANT to be reminded of the forced tortures of family bonding that are the holidays during your summer.  No, we are adding the jalapenos, plus three cups of sugar... except that I forgot to buy more sugar so I used two cups of brown sugar and a cup of agave. It should be okay. It's all sugar. Then you add one cup of apply cider vinegar and one cup of lilly white vinegar to mix all up with that molasses. You need just enough water to cover the whole mess in fluid and then it time to boil those little bastards all over again.   They are going to take a lot longer to boil with all that damn sugar in there, but you should be too inebriated to care at this point. You should also make sure that you are too inebriated to start questioning yourself as to what the point of this whole long and torturous exercise. Torture your liver, not your mind. Studies show that livers bounce back faster from abuse.

Once this mix has boiled for fifteen minutes or so, you are now done. Really done. As in "Hallelujah! Oh my gawd I thought that would never end and now I am done!" done. Don't celebrate too quickly by eating a rind or you will cause a blister to form on your lower lip and just your lower lip will look like Kim Bassinger's. Just relax and enjoy your booze marathon while your little babies cool.

You can proceed canning them now. I mean, that is if you are some sort of goddamn masochist, you can. And I don't mean the fun kind, either. I mean the kind that delights in using their tongue as a sort of button hook when fastening their Master's Victorian boots. I don't have patience for that kind of shit. Me, I just fed a few to my friend  to make sure they were not poisonous and then I froze the rest to take up to Queen Acres. They turned out awesome. Just like when I turned out that fine little sulfite free lovin' mamma onto San Pablo and she started bringing some real cash back for me. Now *that* was a can worth the investment.

*if serving them  fresh, serve as is. If serving them later,  toss the citrus and rinse the melon slices several times in cold water or they will be cloyingly sweet.

Pickled Carrots with Jalapenos!

I am cooking a mess of food for a gathering of gay men who dress in 80's finery and engage in a Dynasty bitch fight at a lovely scenic pond in the mountains. Because of this, I may do a few more posts than I normally do this month.

Today I made spicy pickled carrots. I also started some pickled watermelon rinds and pulled "pork" made from  Jackfruit. Jackfruit is a creepy melon type fruit that is apparently labeled  "winter melon" instead. I was only able to find it by matching my phone's pictures of jackfruit with the actual fruit. The decimated item looked like this:

More about jackfruit later.

The first thing one does when one starts cooking any tedious and labor intensive item is to open the wine. Todays wine is a Cava that was on special from Berkeley Bowl since my husband was very excited about having mimosas. The other thing that is important is to put in some good music. I chose Electric Six because they are both spicy and ridiculous, like pickled carrots with jalapenos are!

I bought a bag of, what is sometimes termed, horse carrots. This means that they are fat and cheap and just a little old. Just like me. Don't worry about them being tough. You're going to pickle their asses and they will tender right up! If you want to be all cute and fancy you can get those teeny tiny baby carrots and pickle them whole in a charming canning jar and pretend you are Martha f'in Stewert when you serve them to your local senators for tea with tiny cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. But I says, fuck that shit! We got horse carrots! We are ready to roll.

You are going to wash and peel and cut the ends off these carrots just like you would for any other recipe. Now it's your choice after that how you want to slice them. Traditionally they are sliced in round or oval slices all the way up the carrot. Today I chose to slice and quarter them into sticks. They not only go on sandwiches when they are done, but they will be perfect to put in Bloody Mary's in the morning.

 I know. I think of everything.

When they are all sliced how you like them throw those puppies in a bowl and focus on the jalapenos because they are going to need your attention. Gloves, darling. You are going to need gloves.

No. I am not propositioning you for some kinky activity. You need those gloves to protect you from the  acid that leaches from those peppers and stays with you for days. Russ says to put two pair on, but I never have found that I need that much protection unless I am working with habaneros or  some juicy little tart that just loves to be tasted. You know who you are, Esmerelda!

So, you've taken all the seeds out of the peppers and sliced them up into - well, slices. Now is the time to combine the carrots and the peppers with, oh, I don't know... five bay leaves? Five is a good number.
And then you throw in some peppercorns. You don't need me to tell you how many! You are a responsible adult and you can decide for yourself! I trust you.  I mean, kinda.

Here is where it gets tricky. Now listen. I poured in some white balsamic vinegar. It was white. It was vinegar. It did have some funky flakes of some sort floating around in there that I swear were not that there a year ago. The bottle said the vinegar was filtered to be "crystal clear." I tasted it, and it tasted okay. And vinegar is supposed to be a preserving fluid, so..

I just threw the whole bottle into that bowl, yes I did! That way I won't have to worry about how those flakes develop next year. And then I put in some water. Then I put in some apple cider vinegar since there was just a teeny bit left in the bottle. There were flakes in there, too! And then I put in some cumin and a little ground cayenne spice, because you *know* those jalapenos just aren't all that hot. I topped the mix off with a little more water and  bit of regular white vinegar and then I sprinkled salt over the whole top like a fine Christmas snow. Or possibly what a fine Christmas snow looks like to someone who was born in Los Angeles. It did snow there, once. I don't think it was on Christmas. Actually, I was getting my hair cut and the whole damn mess melted before I could get outside to look at it at all. But I *did* see it from the mall's glass top roof. Anyway, the salt should be kind of like the snow that day.

I had these five garlic cloves all smushed and skinned and  ready to go when I found I had forgotten to buy olive oil. I don't really own any other kind of cooking oil normally. But then I remembered I had just bought the coconut oil for the vegan pulled "pork" so I used that to fry up those garlic nubs. When I was satisfied that the garlic was all cooked up I threw everything else in the pot and simmered the whole damn mess for like, I dunno, ten minutes?

You are going to let the whole thing cool before eating some or you might hurt your mouth. Unless you take one carrot out and let that cool . That could be okay. But really the whole thing's got to cool before you put it in the fridge. I don't much care how you store it. That's your business. Just remember, these are not going to last forever like your store bought neon yellow mustard does. You should eat them before they go bad. And if you have a reaction to the funky vinegar that you put in, I will not be held responsible. I ate mine two hours ago and I feel fine.