Today I made spicy pickled carrots. I also started some pickled watermelon rinds and pulled "pork" made from Jackfruit. Jackfruit is a creepy melon type fruit that is apparently labeled "winter melon" instead. I was only able to find it by matching my phone's pictures of jackfruit with the actual fruit. The decimated item looked like this:
More about jackfruit later.
The first thing one does when one starts cooking any tedious and labor intensive item is to open the wine. Todays wine is a Cava that was on special from Berkeley Bowl since my husband was very excited about having mimosas. The other thing that is important is to put in some good music. I chose Electric Six because they are both spicy and ridiculous, like pickled carrots with jalapenos are!
I bought a bag of, what is sometimes termed, horse carrots. This means that they are fat and cheap and just a little old. Just like me. Don't worry about them being tough. You're going to pickle their asses and they will tender right up! If you want to be all cute and fancy you can get those teeny tiny baby carrots and pickle them whole in a charming canning jar and pretend you are Martha f'in Stewert when you serve them to your local senators for tea with tiny cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. But I says, fuck that shit! We got horse carrots! We are ready to roll.
You are going to wash and peel and cut the ends off these carrots just like you would for any other recipe. Now it's your choice after that how you want to slice them. Traditionally they are sliced in round or oval slices all the way up the carrot. Today I chose to slice and quarter them into sticks. They not only go on sandwiches when they are done, but they will be perfect to put in Bloody Mary's in the morning.
I know. I think of everything.
When they are all sliced how you like them throw those puppies in a bowl and focus on the jalapenos because they are going to need your attention. Gloves, darling. You are going to need gloves.
No. I am not propositioning you for some kinky activity. You need those gloves to protect you from the acid that leaches from those peppers and stays with you for days. Russ says to put two pair on, but I never have found that I need that much protection unless I am working with habaneros or some juicy little tart that just loves to be tasted. You know who you are, Esmerelda!
So, you've taken all the seeds out of the peppers and sliced them up into - well, slices. Now is the time to combine the carrots and the peppers with, oh, I don't know... five bay leaves? Five is a good number.
And then you throw in some peppercorns. You don't need me to tell you how many! You are a responsible adult and you can decide for yourself! I trust you. I mean, kinda.
Here is where it gets tricky. Now listen. I poured in some white balsamic vinegar. It was white. It was vinegar. It did have some funky flakes of some sort floating around in there that I swear were not that there a year ago. The bottle said the vinegar was filtered to be "crystal clear." I tasted it, and it tasted okay. And vinegar is supposed to be a preserving fluid, so..
I just threw the whole bottle into that bowl, yes I did! That way I won't have to worry about how those flakes develop next year. And then I put in some water. Then I put in some apple cider vinegar since there was just a teeny bit left in the bottle. There were flakes in there, too! And then I put in some cumin and a little ground cayenne spice, because you *know* those jalapenos just aren't all that hot. I topped the mix off with a little more water and bit of regular white vinegar and then I sprinkled salt over the whole top like a fine Christmas snow. Or possibly what a fine Christmas snow looks like to someone who was born in Los Angeles. It did snow there, once. I don't think it was on Christmas. Actually, I was getting my hair cut and the whole damn mess melted before I could get outside to look at it at all. But I *did* see it from the mall's glass top roof. Anyway, the salt should be kind of like the snow that day.
I had these five garlic cloves all smushed and skinned and ready to go when I found I had forgotten to buy olive oil. I don't really own any other kind of cooking oil normally. But then I remembered I had just bought the coconut oil for the vegan pulled "pork" so I used that to fry up those garlic nubs. When I was satisfied that the garlic was all cooked up I threw everything else in the pot and simmered the whole damn mess for like, I dunno, ten minutes?
You are going to let the whole thing cool before eating some or you might hurt your mouth. Unless you take one carrot out and let that cool . That could be okay. But really the whole thing's got to cool before you put it in the fridge. I don't much care how you store it. That's your business. Just remember, these are not going to last forever like your store bought neon yellow mustard does. You should eat them before they go bad. And if you have a reaction to the funky vinegar that you put in, I will not be held responsible. I ate mine two hours ago and I feel fine.
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